The secret source of humour is not joy, but sorrow.
-Mark Twain

Humour and good taste are contradictions.
Like a chaste whore.
-George Bernard Shaw

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Chennai, Tamil Nadu, India.

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Thursday, September 27, 2007
The Abhorrence

        Peedpop was standing at a precipice. He looked determined and was totally deaf to the crowd yelling below. And then he saw her face. Radiant. Vaseline teary. Reddish and swollen.
        She ran forward and shouted, "#$ #@#..! #@#..! #@#...!!". Zero response.
        Peedpop gingerly took a step forward. He looked as if he was waiting for the auspicious second. Five minutes later, after a splitting headache, she came running from behind and said the golden three words, breathlessly. Those three unspeakable words; never to be uttered, except under dire circumstances; three words that apparently made Peedpop's life or death. Peedpop stared.
        "@###, $%#$ &^& $##@#$..?", Peedpop asked.
        "$$$$ @@@$!#$ @$ 431$$5$ 5$@% ...!!" , she replied.
        Peedpop looked dumbstruck.
        "Do you really, !@@# #@#@...?", he asked with a spot of surprise still left in him.
        She answered with a bright, Canadian flag-red blush.
        Peedpop was beyond himself and instantly went mad. He clutched his hair in disbelief and ran around in circles. He suddenly stopped and went close to her. He gingerly touched her face. She looked down, coyly averting her eyes, still blushing away furiously.
        The scene changed to vast, ice-covered hills and it started.

Male: ##@!@@#, @#$$%..%%#!2...
Female:@#$%%$ 5! %$! %$#$% 66&& &^#!@!....

Male: $# %^ ^& 8( )(( 76 77 78$$#$....
Female: Lightning, $$3 543 @! 2%^ %% Reebok $# % $%@$1...

Male: @#!@$% laser #$3 #$@!#$%%^.....
Female: #$! #$# %%$# !# %%^&^ ^^ ()@!....!!

Male: Aaaaaaaaaaaooooo...
Female: Mmmmmm He.. he.. he.. ooooohhhh..

Male: #$ # @$#@ !@$ % pedal cycles % &^%#...
Female: ! @# @$^&* *&* &* &&& George Michael *&*** &% #@#$...

        And so it went on and on. Unsurprisingly, Peedpop was wearing a bright red toga and his fiancee was showing off her midriff in a bright green blouse and an yellow skirt, that looked as if it was tailored for a baby. As she shook her hips from left to right that lifted her skirt even higher, Peedpop desperately tried to invade her navel. A bunch of foreigners were staring at the pantomime, faintly amused. Peedpop moved all his limbs in multiple directions, more or less like the Vitruvian Man in spasms. She was enraptured by his movements and joyfully jumped monkey-style into his arms. He groaned, but held on. It went on. And on. The skirt rose higher with every passing minute. With all the ice around, how the hell did she not get hypothermia, is a question that has its answer shrouded in mystery. Or shall I say, unshrouded?

        That was the last time I saw a Kannada movie.

Posted at 04:09 am by sirpy
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Thursday, September 13, 2007
Obliviate!

And so it is done. The dratted End Terms. The bane of student and currently, those here. It was over in a flash. But the preparation seemed an eternity. At the end of it all, I don't remember a single thing I've learnt. All that I can recall are the innumerable teas and coffees, the pilfering of Dairy Milk bars, the air conditioning while taking the tests freezing your pee, the lack of it while mugging, the pointless discussions, the creative and unending stream of curses that flow between guys after the tests, the shirk of shoulders, the load of porn (Mom, I am sorry. I did not mean to. Or did I?) the teeny-weeny bits of shut-eye that we got, the smell of chicken Maggi and of course my girlfriend's occasional pep talk that does as much damage as a tanker on a flower bed.
         Anyway, it is done and over. I know it will come again. Viva, l'testis*!

PS: I am guaranteeing a better post next time. I was high when I wrote this. In fact, I have no recollection at all of writing. Sheesh. Which idiot will want to write exams? It is a prisoner's dilemma.

*ain't that the way how the French pronounce tests?

Posted at 05:42 pm by sirpy
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Friday, June 01, 2007
Singed

         Something was burning. I knew it. I sensed it. From, the second the Great Chimp's revered feet set itself upon Ahmedabad, the smell followed him everywhere. From the airport, in the taxi, into the campus right upto my room it faithfully sought after me like a trained circus elephant. Throughout the whole day. I was confused. As far my memory was able to fling itself and boomerang back, I know that I had a bath. But the smell existed. It did not seem to be a hallucination because if it was then I must very well be hallucinating the hallucination which made perfect sense to me.
         Lunch came and by now, it was quite a flustered and tired Chimp that trudged to the mess, mentally solving complex equations, eliminating possibilities and calculating various permutations and combinations trying to solve the mystery of the burning odour but all that I came up was a long, drawn out blank. I absently gobbled up the food, engrossed in my own mental machinations. I vaguely remembered somebody, with a lot of teeth telling me to meet up at the LKP (Louis Kahn Plaza - and it's light aeons away from a mall if anybody of you have been that dork enough to come to that conclusion.) that night and that I had nodded.
         Nine sharp I drew myself up and emptied a bottle of Denim cologne and a phenyl bottle to unsuccesfully drive the vapour away. The AXE effect proved as useless as a toothpick for a gladiator going to fight drunk lions. Having torn out most of the little hair that I had, I accepted defeat and strode purposefully to the LKP.
         At the LKP I found bunches of people who were assiduously loitering, scratching and grazing grass. I marched to one bunch and dawdled around for some time, nervously saying hellos to silent lifeforms, until I squished something soft and one of them got up and gave me a visual demonstration of the dental implants given to it by it's parents. I took to my heels and bumped into another gang which apparently at first sight seemed to be made of humans. Atleast the silhouettes did. I melted myself, inadvertently into the group, under the cover of darkness without a murmur and discovered successfully at second sight that they were homo sapiens indeed.
         We simply stood staring at each other, for quite a long time, smiling away like men who were told that their wives had suddenly been jailed for apparently no reason. Suddenly, all them were juggled out of their lip widening performances by a voice that would have easily put a banshee out of business. The voice continued it's Arnold Scwharznegger style articulation and asked each one to introduce ourselves. We did obediently. And that supposedly broke the proverbial ice. After some time we again hit boredom and slowly ambled towards the flood lights. There again, under the pugnacious request of the Voice and it's newly acquired partner- Karaoke, we introduced ourselves. Then we settled down to pleasant conversations and once again just before we split, introduced ourselves once again to ward off the Evil Eye and broke up for the night.
         I walked back to my dorm in abject dejection. Me, the only genius in the Universe ever to have invented Bed Cricket, the only warrior to have gotten both his cheeks finger-stamped by a record, sixteen members of the infamous fairer species of humankind; I, Chimp, was dumbfounded. I was irritated that I was not able to do anything about the dratted smell and in my furious temper, broke an imaginary vase and an imaginary table lamp. That irritated me even further. Anger clouded my usually crappy judgement and I stripped the jeans which I was wearing and threw it out of the balcony onto a male pigeon, unwittingly totally ruining it's mating plans for the night in the process.
         And then the smell miraculously vanished! It was too good to be true! As I sat down trying to take it in, it struck me with the effect of a 600-pound dog pound van crashing into the Kanchenjunga.
         The question was simple and so was the answer.
         What do you get when you cross a 45 degree celsius weather and a pair of Denim jeans?
        So began my life at IIMA.


Currently listening to:
Minutes to Midnight
By Linkin Park


Currently reading:
Next
By Michael Crichton



Posted at 01:52 am by sirpy
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Wednesday, March 07, 2007
The Pen-Ultimate Sensation

She hugged me. :)

Posted at 09:37 pm by sirpy
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Thursday, October 05, 2006
Statement of Purpose

Dear WaterHog,
    This is the first time I've apologized to anyone online. I am writing this because I cannot look at you in the eyes without feeling bad. I am probably the most selfish, most inconsiderate, most idiotic, most stupid, most self-centred homo sapien ever to walk this world. I am in addition to all the above the worst best-friend too.
    As the cliche goes, I should not have said what I said and should not have did what I did. I am terribly sorry. Yesterday, I had gone to Subway for dinner and ordered Chicken Teriyaki. Involuntarily, I ordered two. After making them, I turned back and found that you were not there. To pay for them.
    I paid for them myself and ate it alone. Every bite reminded me of the grossly stupid jokes that you used to crack and the way I politely used to laugh at them, the bread choking me in the process and the way you used to slap my back to save me, like you were the dhobi's assistant or something.
    I miss you, dude. And your wallet.
    Last evening, I went to Dor. I missed your translation. I could not make head nor tail of the movie. I laughed at the jokes at all the wrong places when nobody else were even smiling. I was embarassed very much. I could almost feel the itching hands of my neighbour wanting to throw me out. I slid down in my seat wondering why I ever came. I ran out two minutes before the titles ran down.
    Even now as I am sitting, typing, I can still smell your perfume-masked sweat, when you used to sit behind me on my Scooty trying out your Cuban excercises. Ah! The times we used to evade flyovers because you were too heavy! The times we used to fill fuel for twenty five bucks and give him only twenty, only to find out that we had actually given him a fifty. The times we used to show our fingers up at the traffic policemen and get caught by the Sergeant at the next traffic signal! The times we used to...&@#@%#!.. It was so, so, so much fun.
    Your skin, your touch, your... Hey!?? Hold a sec. What am I saying...? Eeeew. No, no. That's not what I meant. No, no. I meant... Never mind what I meant.*
    Hmmm.... I do not know what else to say, man. I like you so much. I am very sorry and will make sure that the next time I hurt you it will be because I beat you in toe-wrestling and not because I said something about your would-be relatives. I said so for your good only, yaar. But I am feeling very bad. I must have thought before saying anything like that. I will do anything to make up. Even give up watching ftv for a week. Anything, man; anything.
    Just three words from me.
     I am sorry.
    Errr....three more words.
     I miss you.
    Errr.... three more..
     And your wallet. ;)

Love,
Chimp.

*must be what they call the 'Brokeback Mountain hangover'.



Currently listening to:
FutureSex / LoveSounds
By Justin Timberlake


Currently worming into:
An Ordinary Person's Guide to Empire
By Arundhati Roy


Just watched and regretted:
The General's Daughter
Staring John Travolta



Posted at 04:43 am by sirpy
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Monday, October 02, 2006
Whoa!



  Can I wait...???!!! The release is slated for the 1st of November. Check out the soundtrack and the car releases here.

Posted at 03:38 am by sirpy
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Wednesday, September 27, 2006
R 'n' N

    I started cracking my knuckles.
    I started biting the skin off the base of my nails.
    I started perspiring.
    I was tensed.
    I looked at the board which read 3:30 and then at my watch. Through the cobwebs, mud, pebbles and other debris that had inevitably managed to gain entry into my Fastrack, with the sun playing a major role, I estimated the time to be around 3:26 PM.
    I still did not have even one ticket for '
Dor'.
    I looked at my friend; Preying Mantis in weak defeat. He smiled benevolently like a priest who had just been ordained and raised his palm in a 'don't worry, machan. It's ok' gesture. I was grateful.
    While this, quite tear-jerking scene unfolded, a guy with the body of a cow who had swallowed a bulldozer, pushed, nope; shoved, nope; flung me a few kilometres out of the way and rushed forward with a wad of white, small, squarish pieces of paper.
    Hormones erupting, I scrambled and ran to the counter and asked the guy in what I thought to be the best grown-up, authoritative voice I had, "Are you cancelling tickets sir?"
    The Bulldozer gazed me stupidly like I was asking for free petrol and after his brain waded out of the muck and hit reason he said brightly, "Yes!"
    I enquired the price and got one ticket, understanding fully the meaning of what somebody meant when he/she/ahem first said, something is better than nothing. But now there was a slight problem. Preying Mantis would be left alone. There was no other movie at the time and moreover Preying Mantis cannot drive a tricycle without making use of his TTK health insurance, let alone a bike. I was in a fix and signalled to the guy behind the counter to let me know if there were any cancellations.
    I then leant against the wall, waiting
    I started cracking my knuckles.
    I started tapping my tummy at regular intervals making a couple of females go hysterical. (I ooze it, people. I ooze.)
    Okay, coming to the episode, it was Preying Mantis who spotted it first. There was a woman standing at the end of the counter. He calmly walked up to her, flirted, plunged his hand inside his pocket, scratched his thigh, plunged again, this time to pull out some money and walked towards me, waving two tickets with a grin on his face that made werewolves look like heavy-duty male models.
    "Wtf have you done !!!??", I started yelling at him. We were stuck with an extra ticket and it did not look too easy to push it off. It was 3:30 PM. I was desperate. And then... a guy walked up to Preying Mantis.
   "You have cancelled tickets?", he queried gruffly.
   "Yup. We've got one ticket for Dor. You interested? ", Preying Mantis replied.
   "Don...?"
   "Yup. I guess so," lied Preying Mantis without any shame whatsoever.
   "Wow!!!! Hurry up.. Lemme have it, lemme have it, lemme have it...!" , he said, utterly excited and terribly stupid.
   "Hundred bucks. Hard cash."
   "Here goes. Thanks a lot, man."
 And then we took to our heels.
 
 The poor guy never managed to find us. We saw him in the intermission, though. I very badly wanted to ask him how "DON" was, but restrained myself. Movie was fortunately, amazing. :)

PS: Check out the review
here.  


Currently reading:
An Ordinary Person's Guide to Empire
By Arundhati Roy


Currently listening to:
Dizzy up the Girl
By The Goo Goo Dolls



Posted at 01:40 am by sirpy
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Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Working our 'asses'ments off...

A whole week of brain numbing assesments comin up. Gulp. :((((


Currently watching:
A Day at the Races
Staring Groucho Marx



Posted at 01:34 am by sirpy
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